Skip to main content

Subtle Victim Blaming: When 1+1=3 Is the Wrong Metaphor: The Cost of Misunderstanding AuDHD

Subtle Victim Blaming: When "1+1=3" Is the Wrong Metaphor: The Cost of Misunderstanding AuDHD




I recently received a reply from someone I had trusted to understand my journey with AuDHD—someone with academic credentials, neurodivergent self-identification, and what I hoped was empathy. Instead, I was met with metaphors and messaging that implied I was holding onto irrational beliefs, that my pain was a result of me "not getting it," and that the communication breakdown was mine to own. Rather than the increasingly well known double empathy problem.


He wrote: 

I can’t blame anyone (!) to think that 1+1=3 if they have never been taught that 1+1=2... But it is very hard to teach someone that 1+1=2 if they immediately feel that I blame them... That’s your 1+1=3. I am not going to amplify that. Sorry.

That metaphor is not just inappropriate. It's damaging. It suggests that my expressions, reactions, and advocacy for myself are illogical or confused—rather than the direct, context-informed outcomes of a neurodivergent mind navigating trauma, exclusion, and chronic misinterpretation.

This is not the first time I've been told that my way of communicating is the problem. That if I could only express myself more "calmly," more "rationally," more "politely," then people would listen. But that is the double empathy problem in action: neurotypicals and even some autistic individuals can fail to comprehend how ADHD and trauma (CPTSD) modify not just how we think, but how we must communicate when under duress. And we are not being wrong - just different communication styles.

I was not doing anything wrong. My experiences, my feelings, my urgency—they are not mistakes. They are not "1+1=3." They are the product of a system that refused to listen for too long, and now finds my voice too loud, too emotional, too inconvenient.

To frame my way of expressing distress or advocating for justice as a miscalculation or a delusion is gaslighting with equations. It pathologizes my attempt to be heard, and it lets those who misunderstood or harmed me off the hook.

When someone says, "I won’t amplify your voice," they are often saying, "Your truth challenges my comfort zone."

And when someone says, "I don’t blame you," but simultaneously reinforces the idea that you are mistaken, unstable, or irrational, they are delivering blame wrapped in disavowal.

I wanted solidarity. I got silence and symbols.

I wanted understanding. I got withdrawal disguised as neutrality.

This is what so many of us with AuDHD face: being framed as the problem, when the real issue is the misunderstanding of our neurotype. The world expects us to explain ourselves in terms it finds palatable—and when we can’t, we are dismissed.

But here's the truth:

AuDHD is not broken. And expressing the truth wrapped in pain, confusion, urgency, or fear is not wrong.

It’s time to stop asking AuDHD people to justify our humanity in someone else's language. And it's time for allies to learn our language too—without condescension, without metaphors, and without putting the burden of change on us.

Further Reading and Resources:

  1.  “An Introduction to AuDHD | Embrace Autism.” Accessed June 18, 2025. https://embrace-autism.com/an-introduction-to-audhd/.

  2.  “Autism and ADHD Have Distinct Brain Connectivity Signatures, Study Finds.” Accessed June 18, 2025. https://medicalxpress.com/news/2025-05-autism-adhd-distinct-brain-signatures.html.

  3.  Norman, Luke J., Gustavo Sudre, Marine Bouyssi-Kobar, Megan Jiao, Stevi Gligorovic, Jenny Jean, Tonya White, and Philip Shaw. “Cross-Sectional Mega-Analysis of Resting-State Alterations Associated with Autism and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Children and Adolescents.” Nature Mental Health 3, no. 6 (June 2025): 709–23. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44220-025-00431-5.

  4. Milton, D. E. M. On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society 27, 883–887 (2012). https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008 

  5.  Sharon Fraser. Milton’s ‘double Empathy Problem’: A Summary for Non-academics. Reframing Autism (2020). 

#NeurodivergentVoices #AuDHD #DoubleEmpathyProblem #CommunicationMatters #TraumaInformed #RespectNeurodiversity

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Nobel Prize for Peripheral Immune Tolerance: What It Might Mean for Neurodiversity and Childhood Cancer

The Nobel Prize for Peripheral Immune Tolerance: What It Might Mean for Neurodiversity and Childhood Cancer A Nobel Moment for the Immune System The 2025 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine went to Mary Brunkow , Fred Ramsdell , and Shimon Sakaguchi for their discoveries concerning peripheral immune tolerance  — how the immune system restrains itself from attacking the body’s own tissues. Their work put a bright spotlight on regulatory T cells (Tregs) and the FOXP3 gene, the master regulator of Treg identity.  First, to ground what was just awarded: The 2025 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine went to Mary Brunkow, Fred Ramsdell, and Shimon Sakaguchi for discovering mechanisms of peripheral immune tolerance — i.e. how the immune system keeps itself in check outside of the central (thymic / bone marrow) tolerance checkpoints. ( Nature ) A central factor in that discovery is the role of regulatory...
Post a Comment
Read more

Misdiagnosed Minds: How AuDHD Is Mistaken for Disorders Like DID, Schizophrenia, and Mania

Misdiagnosed Minds: How AuDHD Is Mistaken for Disorders Like DID, Schizophrenia, and Mania Introduction Many neurodivergent individuals, especially those with combined Autism and ADHD (AuDHD), are misdiagnosed or overlooked entirely. This is particularly true when symptoms present in ways that mimic more "severe" psychiatric conditions like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), schizophrenia, or mania. The truth is: AuDHD—especially when layered with trauma, sensory overload, or chronic stress—can look like something else entirely to the untrained eye. And the consequences of misdiagnosis can be devastating. When the System Gets It Wrong Take for example a woman who was diagnosed with DID. Her complex personality traits, shifting moods, emotional intensity, and internal dialogues were interpreted as separate identities. But upon closer inspection, these could also be expressions of masking, trauma-induced role adaptation, emotional dysregulation, and sensory overwhelm—c...
Post a Comment
Read more

Prenatal Paracetamol Usage as a Proxy Marker for ADHD Susceptibility in Children?

Is Paracetamol (APAP) Usage During Pregnancy a Cause of ADHD – Or Just a Proxy Marker For ADHD Susceptibility? Rethinking a Recent Nature Study Linking APAP to Neurodevelopmental Risk A recent study published in Nature Mental Health (June 2025) has reignited debate about whether acetaminophen (paracetamol or APAP) taken during pregnancy could contribute to the development of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children. Using maternal blood biomarkers rather than self-reported medication use, the researchers reported that prenatal APAP exposure was associated with a more than threefold increase in ADHD diagnosis rates in offspring. The study also found that children of mothers who had detectable APAP levels during the second trimester showed altered placental gene expression — notably, upregulation of immune system genes and downregulation of oxidative phosphorylation pathways . These changes were especially prominent in female offspring and were linked to increased...
Post a Comment
Read more